It’s been a year+ since we met. Some four months if I can count the +. We’ve been back and forth about when we should mark our anniversary because there’s the day we met, then the day we started dating officially. The dates don’t matter to you, but being a lady who loves writing and keeping records, it
matters to me.
You have always been one person who understands me more than anyone I’ve ever known. I have never been shy saying this because you understand my personality even when others term it as complicated. I wish we had time so I could tell you about the lessons and mistakes I’ve made the past 4 years before we met.
Five years ago I left home – my mother’s house in search of a better life. I felt it was time to be independent and do things on my own. I don’t regret my decision but sometimes I feel like I have wasted five years of my life. So God set me free and let me experience the world and my mother helped me pack and wished me well. If I can put it best, I left home ‘kufunzwa na ulimwengu’.
I haven’t seen it all, neither have I tasted life’s bitter side, but I have experienced life in ways I never want to experience again. Relationships gone sore, finances flushing themselves down the toilet, friends holding knives and signing treaties with my nemeses and everything in between I can’t wish for anyone.
If I tell you that I have been physically and mentally abused, I know you would not believe me so I’ll save this experience for another day when we meet perhaps. I’ve felt how betrayal tastes like when friends serve it and I have cried on hospital beds because I was worried I’m losing my child. I look back and imagine how I made it through these years and I’m perplexed. Two things kept me going – God and family. I wish I could thank them enough.
One thing you taught me that I still practice to date is not caring what or how people think of me. I’ve seen in you how you walk unworried of who turned their head to look at you. You’ve taught me not to care too much about how someone views me. I appreciate that I can wake up in the morning, choose a dress I love and leave the house because I know I look good. I enjoy the freedom that comes with being the woman that I am. I share my thoughts without wondering who feels offended or not. I choose to walk and talk as a woman who has value and to be honest, it has helped me these past few months. Thank you.
I’m slowly learning to understand myself. Hopefully my breaking point will be the day that I finally get to fully understand my purpose. This journey is tough. I am learning things the hard way. It may be a bit too late for me, but I feel like it’s never too late to reset and start a fresh. The best part is that, I’m starting this new chapter from experience and I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me.
Before we met, I wrote poems that spoke of the pain I went through. Numerous times, I’ve been between love and hate. But the first time I wrote you a poem, I wished you were mine. That was the day I realized I wanted to have your energy around me. I miss you everyday but I’m fine. I hope you are too.
Yours,
N.
Nancy Atieno's Notes 